I’ve been meaning to write this since the La Liga and ESPN deal was announced, but we were so busy winning the Europa League I didn’t have time for much else. I thought about doing this with MLS clubs instead, but honestly I think more soccer people in the states watch the PL than watch MLS. So here we go, the reasons why fans of each Premier League club should root for Villarreal next season:
Sorry, couldn’t help myself. Look, if you have finally come to realize your club did something incredibly stupid by sacking Unai Emery, you can come root for him here. Also, Santi Cazorla loves us and you should too.
Look y’all, we basically dedicated a kit to you guys last season and went full Aston Villarreal:
Welcome to the top flight! I’m a huge fan of your club’s analytics based approach to recruitment. Your club is looking for their first major honor in the top flight, and that’s a journey we just went through so we completely understand how you feel.
Did you ever watch Brighton flying down the field in a yellow away kit and think ‘man, what if this team were actually good?’ If so, I think you’ll like watching Villarreal.
Did I say Aston Villarreal above? What I meant was we basically copied Burnley’s kit for our third shirt last season
We like to make fun of Arsenal, YOU like to make fun of Arsenal, we’re both playing in the UEFA Super Cup in a couple months... Welcome aboard!
If Crystal Palace fan somehow found this article it’s clearly fated by the universe that you root for Villarreal.
Folks, we helped Ramiro Funes Mori win a Europa League title. You know what this means better than anyone. Clearly, we are a club where dreams can come true and magic can happen and I think Everton fans need that right now.
I don’t suppose any of you lot were just so enamored with Alfonso Pedraza’s time at Leeds that you wanna root for his parent club...
Small clubs defying the odds to win trophies over giant Premier League sides. Sound familiar? I think we just became best friends.
We aren’t a sport-washing entity for representatives of an oil state and don’t choke in European finals so really you should just make us your new club. Just abandon the old one entirely.
Remember last Wednesday when we beat you to the Europa League trophy... you could have been happy on that day instead of sad if you rooted for us.
What Newcastle fans really need is a club where the owner doesn’t hate the fans. Fernando Roig is the most dedicated and caring owner in world football.
Basically, we sent you Xavi Quintilla and you got promoted, by my completely unbiased calculations you owe it to us that you’re in the top flight again so come support us.
Are there really no PL clubs letters O-R? Wow. Oh, okay sorry, Southampton...
Any Feliciano Condesso fans out there? No? Okay nevermind, carry on.
Beating Arsenal brings us a tremendous amount of joy. Also, we’re all Juan Foyth fans, and we can all promise not to talk about Roberto Soldado ever again.
ETIENNE CAPOUE IS THE BEST DEFENSIVE MIDFIELDER IN THE WORLD.
Think that should just about cover it.
West Ham United
Hopefully you scrolled this far just looking for your club and didn’t see what I said to Aston Villa or Burnley but we totally had a West Ham inspired kit last season.
(Seriously, what on earth is up with English clubs and that color scheme?)
There’s really no point in me even trying to sell you guys on this. We don’t have a single Portuguese player and I know that’s what you lot are all about. We’re also not the personal storage bin of a super agent, so I just dunno that we have much in common.
We did loan you guys Alfred N’Diaye who was a solid role player in winning y’all promotion, so really you wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for us.
If you made it this far, you’re clearly wasting your employer’s time and probably need to get back to work.