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What if the Muppets played soccer?

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Fozzie on the Break...

Press Conference to Announce “Muppet RaceMania” Photo by Albert L. Ortega/WireImage

Editor’s note: One of our readers and his son got to thinking about what a starting XI and subsequent 18 of Muppets characters would look like on a football pitch. I’m sure a clever editor could come up with a tie in to make it connected to Villarreal, but honestly, it’s a pandemic, we’re all a little bored, and this was fun, so I hope you enjoy:

What Position would your favorite Muppet play?

I miss football so much. The drama, the athleticism, the narrative, just watching the beautiful game. My 10 year old was watching Prop Culture on Disney+ today and I heard Fozzie Bear on there and it made me think – what position would Fozzie Bear play in our beautiful game? Well, that led my son and me down a ridiculous path. So, to that end, let me introduce to you, the CF Muppets Game Day 18.

Statler and Waldorf (ST) – These guys are not really involved in the action often, so you can’t count on them to play much defense. But when they get the ball, they always finish with aplomb. (Sure, it’s technically two players, but they’re each only putting forth half effort most of the time, anyway.)

Fozzie (RW) – Fozzie Bear is the star of the entire team. He always scores and he’s not system dependent. Fozzie is the star in any team he plays on.

Mahna Mahna (LW) – The one trick winger that has an entourage wherever he goes. Only has one trait, but it’s a good one.

Gonzo (Number 10) – Gonzo is arguably the most talented player on the field. Gonzo can shine on his own but is best bringing others into the play and letting them shine as well. He will always work hard to bring the comedy (and chance creation).

Kermit (Number 8) – Kermit is the heart and soul of the team and obvious Captain. He is the one you think of when you think of the club. He isn’t flashy, won’t make many highlights, but without him, does this team even exist?

Scooter (DM) – What is the one place you absolutely need responsibility and hard work? Defensive midfield. Scooter is the shield. He makes sure nothing breaks and is around to just help out when needed.

Sam the Eagle (CB) – He’s the Pau Torres of the team. You don’t get around Sam. You just don’t.

Sweetums (CB) – Sweetums looks scary and intimidating but like his personality, has a sweet soft touch on the ball.

Beaker (LB) – Beaker is hard working and has moments of brilliance, but in general just reliable. You’re getting a 6.5/10 out of Beaker every game.

Rizzo (RB) – Rizzo has a nose for the ball and is working hard. He’s a bit small but you play with what got you here.

Swedish Chef (GK) – Chef is insane. Goalies usually are. But he’s always a star.

KEY BENCH PLAYERS:

Animal (M) – Animal is a wild card. You never know what you’ll get from him. So you play him for 10-15 minutes and he will just as likely score a worldie as get a red card.

Floyd Pepper (DM) – Floyd is so chill. You want that kind of calm presence as a defensive midfielder when all hell is breaking loose around you.

Pepe the King Prawn (ST) – When you’re down and your opponent is clogging the midfield and you need to resort to some Route One, bring on the big guy. He can head the ball well, and get others involved late in games.

Clifford (number 8) – Like Floyd, Clifford is chill but has energy for days. A great guy to come in if we have any need for more engine.

Bunsen Honeydew (CB) – Bunsen is so smart so you can play him as a backup CB and he will always be defensively sound if not spectacular.

Uncle Deadly (FB) – Uncle Deadly was a star years ago (HE PLAYED THE LEAD IN OTHELLO), but is past his prime. In a pinch though, he can still be a stud when needed. He’s the old grizzled vet that every team needs.

Bobo the bear (GK) – Bobo’s just big and fluffy. You want your backup GK to be fun and occasionally be decent in the field. This is Bobo. Also, we’re running out of steam here.

BACKROOM STAFF:

Director of Football – Jim Henson – I mean, do you really have to ask why?

Manager – Gaffer – some nominative determinism here. Worked well for Arsene at Arsenal.

Editor’s note, if you enjoyed this and want to do something similar, hit me up. We’ll publish all kinds of fun stuff these days.